I'm terrified. I'm terrified of growing up. This baffles me because I like to think I was forced to grow up a little too fast due to my environment. Now, I'm not so sure. I wonder if anyone is as scared as I am to officially be on my own.
I really won't be, I know. I have a wonderful sister who will be there along the way. But, it will soon be time for me to graduate, to find an actual job to help pay bills, to finally get a car of my own (I know, I know, I'm a loser, but hey, my family is dirt poor), to go to college, to make new friends. College is supposed to be a growing experience, and that's supposed to be exciting, but I'm not feeling very excited. Wait, scratch that. I'm extremely excited, but the feelings of anxiety have beaten the excitement to a bloody pulp.
It really should be nothing new for me---college that is. I switched schools, mastered the art of making people fall in love with a concept of who I am, and even learned how to play the different games in every school, because every school is different you know. I would think college would just be another place, another game for me to master.
I like to think of myself as spontaneous, and I am to an extent. But I'd be way too frightened to do any of the crazy things that are going through my head. I'm not going to state these because of certain people reading my blogs, but I will say that going to a small college here in Fort Worth is not what I wanted to do. Being attached to my sisters hip---I never would have dreamed of. The thing is, I'm just a big chicken. Carpe Diem right?
I guess all the the things I've lost, all the people I've lost, have had a double effect on me---the two effects being polar opposites. It's made me realize what is important in life, and you can go on living even when you think it's the end. But, it's also made me a pack rat---of things and people. I can't even let go of my crappy friends who live a million miles away. It's just so hard to loosen my grip.
So here I am, just turned 18 in Nov., fixing to graduate in May. What then? Everything I've known since the age of 5 will be gone. Everything I've learned in school really doesn't help me with what's to come. I think that what I'm most afraid of is BEING a "new-age nomad". Will I be able to stick it out in college? Will I roam around America or even other countries searching...always searching...for somewhere I belong? That life, although exciting, gets exhausting, but I can't escape the feelings of wanderlust.
I've always been the perfect child in my family---the one with perfect grades, bubbly attitude, outgoing, and no drugs or sex. That's about as perfect as you can get in most people's eyes. Perfection is so relative it makes me laugh. Anywho, I question myself a lot, my motives that is. Am I pushed to be a better person because I fear being like my family, or I am motivated because I just should be? If it is the first, shoot me now.
I'm just so sick of going along with the plan, I want to blow everyone off---even those who love me---and just run. Far....
Trinitie