I suppose it's a bit telling that for the majority of my trip, my tongue was completely covered in lie bumps...11 to be exact. I couldn't eat for days, and even speaking became a chore.  I assumed that a high stress level inspired these extremely painful nuisances.  Dan, my love, says these abscessed taste buds are your body telling you that it's trying to fight off an infection.  Sevilla, Erica's mom, says it's an overload of acidity in your system.  Jeremiah, my flamboyant friend, attributed his lie bumps to shoveling scorching foods into his mouth out of impatience.  

My tongue, though, took me to a place where rain is God's tears pouring down on us and freckles are kisses from angels.  Pain is punishment in this land of youth, and lie bumps are His way of telling you to straighten up and fly right.

I tried hard to ignore the weakness in my limbs and the evil in my mouth as I silently prayed for this stranger to love me. When I saw him, though, and he spoke to me, and his entire being reflected truth, all of my desires altered slightly. I want what he has. Lieing to myself isn't the way to obtain it.

I live a blessed life:  the people that I keep close are worthy, spontaneity governs my path, and luck is always on my side. I have no responsibilities and I am defined by freedom. I have known great love.  On a superficial level, I like who I am. But I do not have whatever it is that makes me adore this man.

Dan was everything.  I couldn't take my eyes off him.  To see his facial reaction in response to another person's sadness, to feel the warmth of his hands in my hair, to watch him dance and sing, to lie next to him, to make eye contact with him, to see him interact, to ride in the passenger seat and trust my life in his hands, all of these are dreams come true.  He is rare, My Love, so rare that I fear he is the last of his kind. 

I left with a heavy heart, knowing that although his love for me had not changed, my love for him would increase with each moment.  I trust him to love me, but I do not trust myself to forgive him for not loving me enough.

I am no longer ok with being happy.  I now know there is more.  I'm not going to let Dan be a dieing breed.

  *****   *****   ******   ******   ******     ******      

SIDENOTES:

1.  Dan is an online friend I have known for 5 years.  We met on a blogging site called Joeuser, where I was taken with his words.  If you know me, you know who he is.  I drove to Florida to finally meet him in December.

2.  I made this trip with the knowledge that Dan is in love with his girlfriend, who he intends on marrying.  I had no expectations.  I only had fear.

3.  Dan and I are still very close, I consider him my very best friend.  He is the only person I can say that I respect 100%.