Trinitie as I knew her is now gone.  There’s this whole other person beneath the surface that’s even more confused than before. There’s a certain symbolism in the X’s drawn in magic marker on her hands.

She’s in college now, she’s 19, and she has absolutely no idea who she is or what she believes anymore.  She used to have the list---you know the one.  It’s that list that everyone has containing what we will or will not accept in a mate.  That list got lost somewhere a few nights ago, perhaps in a puddle she walked through on her way out of the theater after the concert.  It felt kind of nice to let it slip out of her hand and let his hand slip in.  

I take that back; it felt more than nice.  It was extraordinary, and surprising, and incredible, and all those other cliché words that the damn synonym tool can come up with to describe something that was completely indescribable.  His perfect honesty laced its way through her veins until it eventually found its way to her heart.  Suddenly all of her preconceived notions about him fell away and the only thing that mattered in that moment was how she felt when she was in his arms.

She understands why she accepted his proposal now.  She knew she needed this, she knew it would be magic.  And it was.   

Her ability to open up to someone surprised her until she realized that it obviously stemmed from his own lack of a need to impress or even judge.  He was everything she never knew she needed; he was a break in the monotony that cursed her everyday life.  He gradually became more beautiful in Trinitie’s eyes, eyes that he found rather compelling, and a familiar fear rose up.

Trinitie is afraid of people showing her their beauty.  Not many people do, but when it happens, she fears it becoming addictive and at some point a fix being improbable.  Blaine would say that she needs to get busy living or get busy dieing, and she would have no argument.  There’s still that lingering panic, though, that says there’s a possibility that she will never again feel the way she felt when he held her.

She’s not going to try to put moments in a box today.  She's going to love without hindrance and see where it takes her.  Life is exciting now, and she needs it to stay this way for at least a little while longer. 

She looks at the X’s on either hand and knows that they signify not only her inability to purchase alcohol, but change and the necessity of sometimes having to leave our old selves behind.  

Trinitie