I'm Weirder Than I Thought
I like the lake by my parents trailer. I like it mostly just after winter's over, and the boats began to reappear. I like to sit on the dock and make shapes with my toes in the water. I like that I can't even feel the cold air around me because my thoughts take me away from reality. I even like it when I snap back and feel that sudden shock.
I like that point when the last boat disappears around the bend in the lake and I'm alone---that means I can sing at the top of my lungs. I like that fact the even if the boat sat right where it started, I would sing anyway. I love that boat riding in that lake is impossible to do without a partner. You have to have someone to back the boat into the lake with a vehicle, therefore making it absurd for someone to just drive you there and not join you. God created it to be a bonding experience between 2 or more people. I even like the litter floating at the water's edge. I like that it makes me doleful because that means that I actually do have a heart; I'm not a bad person.
I like the horses that run over to the fence as I walk by to have me rub their noses. I like that when I don't, they sulk as if they needed me more than anything else. I like that I'm nerdy enough to believe this, and I walk back to appease them.
I like the way my nails look a few days after being painted. The jagged pattern of red polish makes it look I was holding onto something a little too tightly and finally let go. I even like the image I get when I close my eyes for a split second of bruised wrists. Somehow I get the feeling this means that although there will be a struggle, I will break free from my prison. I like my dry, chapped lips that result from long hours of chewing in meditation. I like that when I grin the entirety of my gums show and this is the only trait I share with all my siblings, half or whole. My mom used to say it just meant we were a little happier than most people. I like to believe that, plus I like that it gives me a connection to my half-sis I love so much.
I like my friend August and the way her black, wavy hair reaches past her widespead hips and gives her the appearance of a mermaid. I like the tiny little freckles right below her eyes and puffy cheeks that remind me of a jovial Santa. I like the way she can justify a dirty song to me and totally believe that it wasn't meant to be dirty in the first place. I like her pure heart.
I love that a song written over a broken heart can mean something totally different to someone in love. I love that different people in different situations derive different things from music, because that's what makes it so powerful.
I like that when I'm home alone watching stand-up comedy for hours I feel like a huge loser but I don't even care. If this is what I enjoy doing, why should I be ashamed? It makes me feel like I'm a rebel in the cause against defining "cool". I like to lay on my stomach on our old dingy couch with the thin cushions worn down from years of use and feel the wood beneath them cut into my hip bones. I like that I don't even move because, though I'm uncomfortable, for some reason this feels right.
I like the way I feel when God reveals ultimate truths to me in His own time---a little foolish but triumphant nontheless.
I like how when you put a postive word like "beautiful" in front of a negative word like "freak" it's even more beautiful than if you had put in front of a positive word. I like phrases like "Complimentary Differencenses", "Delicious Ambiguity, and "Lovely Flaw".
I like the way I feel when Dan trys to force me to be real. I like the way two emotions can exist in harmony in one body. I love how I feel imprisoned and freed all at the same time. This proves that God created wonderfully complex creaters.
I like my jaded sense of beauty, because that means I've achieved my goal in not molding myself to others beliefs. Or, at least it means I'm trying.
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