Do you ever just sleep when you're feeling down...just to escape the world? I slept far too long today. When I woke up, I only felt sick to my stomach. Sleeping as a remedy = not such a good idea.
My problem? I can't love people. It's simply not in my power. I sat down to write a note of encouragement to my roomate, Kami, on her 24th birthday, and all that kept going through my head were all the things that aggravate me about the girl. I simply could not bring myself to write down anything good about her, although I know she has millions of wonderful qualities. I just felt that I would be lieing somehow, but I was only lieing to myself in the end. I don't know the meaning of unconditional love.
I know all the truths about love, and I believe them with my head, but I don't practice them with my heart. I know we are to love all things about the person, including faults. It's just that when a person has so many faults, I start to believe they are their faults. Somehow, in my mind, they become their negative actions and only their negative actions. I wrap up their whole being in what irks me. This is not the way God called us to be.
Take, for instance, my sister. When I first met her, I thought she was the most wonderful person alive. I couldn't wait to be around her on visits to Texas and absorb all of her I possibly could. Now, she's still the same Tenille, she's still just as wonderful, only I see her faults---her many, many faults. She has almost as many as me, haha. I find myself struggling not to dislike her as a person, because in my heart I know she is Godly. Maybe it's just that her faults are what I'm trying so hard to rid myself of. I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud here.
I just had a profound revelation! Maybe this is why I struggle with loving myself too! Wait, I do love myself. Nevermind. I hate that it's so easy for me to write people off as if they were nothing to me to begin with as soon as I feel they've overstepped my boundaries. I don't try to fix things, I simply run...to the next friendship...to the next town...to the next heartache.
When I woke up just now, I mean as soon as I opened my eyes, a single tear rolled down my cheek. My stomach ached and I felt so helpless I could hardly breath. My ultimate fear? Never being able to have true relationships with anyone. I don't know how to communicate, I don't know how to love unconditionally, and I don't know how to trust completely. I just feel really alone right now, and it's multiplied by the fact that I feel that lonliness will never subside no matter how many meaningless friendships I aquire.
Trinitie