When I disclose information about myself so nonchalantly to friends and even strangers, I often get confused and often ecclectic responses to my life experiences. For instance, when I tell people I lived in a vehicle for about a year and that I have, in fact, lived in a park, they look at me with not only pity, but bewilderment.
Here's the deal. It's not that uncommon. So many people are sheltered from seeing that, yes, people do indeed live like that---even here in the great United States. And, contrary to popular opinon, it's not that bad. Don't you know that the majority of homeless people could change things if they wanted to? Come on. Life with no responsiblities, how awesome does that sound? Plus, whose to say what's normal? Falling asleep on the warm ground on a cool night in Texas is just as wonderful as crawling into a cozy bed in a warm house. It may even be better. Spending endless hours at the local library, walking down the roads and taking in the beauty, and visiting a new denomination every Sunday for church was so eye opening. Most will laugh at this, but I recommend a year of homelessness to everyone. Nothing else will bring such tranquility.
I call my mom, "The Messiah of the Homeless". Sure, she can abandon 7 kids, but she has such a heart for perfect strangers. Children love her to pieces and anytime she aquires a commodity such as food or clothing, she shares it. She can't wait to share it. That's what brings her joy. Everyone knows her; she has millions of friends in millions of places from the Carolina's to Old Mexico. She'd probably be able to pass on a lot of wisdom if it weren't for all the drugs. Damn the bad luck.
Those years on the road, riding in the car with my mamma, with "no particular place to go" and no agenda, were the best years I can remember. In fact, I didn't even know I lived in a car. If you asked me at the time, I would have just told you we were on vacation or something. We sometimes made random stops at family members houses and cleaned up a little and ate something, and we'd always receive those looks---those looks of shame and misunderstanding. I never understood; I thought we had it so much better than those poor fools. I mean, we could do anything we wanted.
"What school do you wanna go to today, Trin?" Hmmm, not sure, that one sounds nice. I went to 11 schools that year alone. And you know what, I loved it. I wouldn't change it for the world because now I feel I understand so much more about human beings than most people in their 40's. My knowledge cannot be put into words here though, because it is in my heart, not my head I hold it.
There are no yesterday's on the road. No relationships to mend, no problems to fix, no games to play. It's just me, my mom, the stars and the music...every single night. And I remember my mom being happy. There were no more fights, no more throwing the F word around, no more hitting and going to the hospital only to miss another day of school.
Of course, I'll be forever scarred by this. My mom was dependent on my love. I see that now. She would say things like, "Trinitie, I know YOU'LL never leave me." At the time I thought that made me special, but now I see it only made me trapped in a prison, a prison I have yet to free myself from. This also added to my fleeing feelings. I guess if I'd never experienced that lifestyle and how wonderful it is, I wouldn't crave it with such intensity now.
All I remember is feeling....free. There's something about being in the passenger seat of a car with the radio on at night, something about seeing the stars through a windshield, something about having someone you love in the drivers seat that makes me feel like life has meaning. That's my favorite place to be in the world, and sometimes, while the rest of the world sleeps, I sneak outside and sit in the passenger seat of my sister's car and pull my toes up under my nightgown. I turn the key backward and close my eyes. That is my "happy place"---my place of peace, of comfort, of memories, and of release.
I could fall asleep there and float away....and that would be ok.
Trinitie