Word Vomit

A Sudden Surge of Words

Published on May 29, 2004 By new-age nomad In Misc

You will ask me to dance, and I will accept, only to push you away before the song is over. I will say I love a challenge, only to run when one arises. I use my past as a defense, as if I'm the only one who had it rough, as if that will somehow justify my present. My mind says that success is measured by obstacles overcome, which may be true, but how can I be sure if it was I who crossed the broken bridges?

My heart is filled with a song, a bittersweet song, one of triumph and defeat, one of confidence and cowardice, one of love and of hate. I sing my song without hesitation, but somehow I feel that I've yet to discover the chorus.

How I appear to others is a lie, and I use that lie. I feed off admiration when I have nothing to admire. I want someone to love me with a love so passionate it defies nature, yet I am not capable of returning that love.

I want change, so I run. I do nothing to change my heart, only my location--- my fuel being books, poetry, stories, words...

I am a walking paradox, a contradiction of sorts. And while I usually find this to be one of my favorite characteristics, it will prove to be the death of me. For, who can love someone who cannot make up their mind?

Trinitie

Comments

Theophilus Thistler

on May 29, 2004

Perhaps and hopefully, one day someone will come along and love you with an unconditional and or agape kind of love. Someone already does, only you can't physically touch Him. It is much easier to learn to love when you're already being loved (abundantly) in the first place.

Change is a very scary thing for someone who has been hurt. What if you change and things get worse? But, what if you change and things become fantastic?

Thankyou so much for always being so open and full of emotion! d

Gerry Atrick

on May 29, 2004

Trin,

How I appear to others is a lie, and I use that lie. I feed off admiration when I have nothing to admire.

The way anyone appears to anyone else is a lie. How much of our true selves and how much of our fake selves we show to anyone depends on how close we feel to them (which has nothing to do with how long we have known them.) I feel you have just not met that person that you can show all your true self to. And, believe it or not most of us feed off admiration (hey I'm still buzzing off your 'Gerry, you are mighty handsome' comment.....do I think I am handsome, not really, just average.) The important thing in all this is not to beat yourself up over it, just remember everyone does it.

I want someone to love me with a love so passionate it defies nature, yet I am not capable of returning that love.

you may be being premature in this, you may surprise yourself when you meet someone that deserves you. Hang in there, good things happen often when you least expect it.

Muggaz

on May 29, 2004

Join the paradox club Triny!

Sometimes being un-predictable can be a blessing!

I am not so sure what you are worried about, because I know you know you are a good person, and the in-ability to make up ones mind has no bearing whatsoever on your character.

Dont go out rushing for stability, because people get stuck, and their spirit dies well before it's time.

BAM!!!

Floozie

on May 29, 2004

Trinitie!

I think we are similar in so many ways. One day you're up, thinking that you're doing OK. Life's not too bad for the moment. Then the next, for no apparent reason, you're filled with apprehension, you notice all the things that you don't like about yourself and you feel like you're back to square one.
I agree with Muggaz - so many people find a niche and stagnate there. They may not go through the soul searching that you and I (and many others) do, which may alleviate some of their fears, but they also do not grow. By being self aware you are allowing yourself to make changes, where necessary, and accepting (and hopefully celebrating) those things that are uniquely you.
Keep up the good work. We're all cheering for you!

Suz

P.S. Brilliant writing, by the way

WiseFawn

on May 29, 2004

You are a wonderful writer, this is beautiful. I know that you'll find your chorus.

BigDreamer415

on May 29, 2004

"I want someone to love me with a love so passionate it defies nature, yet I am not capable of returning that love. "

You know who does. You know He always will, too. Let yourself be loved by Him, He's brought you this far, He won't leave you.

You'll also find that earthly man, someday, who really won't let you get away... he won't let you go no matter how hard you try. Trust me, you'll find him.

And I'm confident that you have friends who love you unconditionally, not to mention your sister. Keep trusting God, and don't be afraid to let your true self shine.

Beautiful writing, Trin.

~Sarah

new-age nomad

on May 29, 2004

Theophilus, Gerry, Mark, Sarah, Suz, and Wisefawn,

I seriously bawled my eyes out when I read your comments. You have no idea how blessed I feel by you guys giving away a little piece of your hearts to someone you don't even know.

I'm gonna go cry some more. I love you guys.

Trinitie

messybuu

on May 29, 2004

Things would be much easier with a muse. Sadly, they're hard to find, and you don't want to be in the same place years later because you're too afraid to take a step without support.

mignuna

on May 30, 2004

trin, this is an official order to embrace your dual self !. listen to miggy. i am obviously SO sane. hehe.

i lived a lot of my life feeling like that ... as soon as i accepted myself, prejudices and pre-judgements just became other peoples' problems.

be thankful for your so called "failure" trin. it makes you who you are. give it time and you'll be glad you "failed" to be ordinary. (hehe i am)

and anyway, ... if i can be happly married, anyone can !!!!

mig XX

MasonM

on May 30, 2004

Sounds to me you are like many of us. Constantly in flux. It's a good thing. Lived my whole life that way and enjoyed (almost) every minute of it.

For, who can love someone who cannot make up their mind?

Someone who doesn't like boring. Making up your mind is like making up your bed. It's very nice for a while but eventually it's going to get messed up again; that's what it's there for.

new-age nomad

on May 31, 2004

Gerry, I just want to make a sidenote:

I get told alot that everyone is fake when I speak of my being generic. Let me pose this question: Just because everyone else is, that makes it ok? Hmmm...

Trinitie

Gerry Atrick

on Jun 01, 2004

Trinitie,
Of course not, and being true to yourself always is an ideal way to be (when you think about it our 'fakeness' is really a defence mechanism.) I felt here your expectations of yourself are very high. There is no problems setting high standards of yourself but if you fall short you should not beat yourself up about it as you seemed to be doing here (sorry if I read it wrong.) You sound like a true idealist but idealists also need to be pragmatic....after all you are not perfect, and thank god 'cause our flaws contribute to what make us interesting. I guess all I am trying to say is strive to be your best by all means but do not lose sight of who you are in the meantime. But above all, learn to accept your faults....everyone has them and, believe it or not, people can love them too.

new-age nomad

on Jun 01, 2004

Wow Gerry, I think I've found another "favorite" here at Joe.

Trinitie

lobsterhunter

on Jun 16, 2004

How long will you run? Do you think the soles of your shoes will eventually wear out? And what is it your actually running from? This I would like to know.

new-age nomad

on Dec 27, 2004

I reckon I'll be running for a while, this is the life I choose.

Trinitie

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