My sister and I...we're more alike than she'd care to admit. The reason we find it so impossible to tolerate one another for long periods of time is because we see our own fakeness reflected. We're often artificially flavored, you could say.

She won't tell you what she's thinking for fear of losing even a small piece of your love. Me? I'm gonna let you know. I'm not afraid of losing love, I'm afraid of losing admiration and respect and individuality. I won't let you know I'm crying inside, I won't let you know how much I need you. I won't tell you about my spiritual short-comings; I'll just let you believe the lie I've created. You could say this makes me the shallow one, and you could very well be right.

I miss Tenille. I wish I could see her smile everyday and make her laugh. I wish I could still wake up in the morning and search the house for a small note of encouragment she may have left me. I miss having someone to talk to...really talk to. I miss having someone who will be real with me, even it's just through letters and emails. I miss prayer before meals and bible studies at night. I need someone who will appreciate music with me, and accept that we will never meet eye to eye on our musical tastes. I miss long drives and finding humor in the smallest things.

So, why God? Why is it so impossible for us to tolerate each other? Why do I love her so much and why do my eyes water when I say that aloud? Why did you finally send me someone who I know loves me, and make it so we can't be around each other?

In the passenger seat of a friends car, on the way back from a road trip, I look out the window and see a sky full of beautiful stars. But, just as soon as I saw it, an army of trees jumped in the way. After driving a little while longer, though, there they were again, just as bright as before. You see, I'm used to wide open Texas skys. I've come to realize that, sometimes, God will put a tree in the way of the big picture. Trees are much needed, though. They make us appreciate the stars that much more.

So for now, I know this is where I'm supposed to be, and for now I'll take it as a blessing. Someone once told me that if you wait for all the circumstances in life to be perfect in order for you be happy, you'll always be miserable. So, I'm gonna smile and I'm gonna dance down the road with my headphones on, and I'm gonna laugh at juvenile things.

For now, I'm gonna be happy.

Trinitie