I'm only passing through...
Phish Really Knew What They Were Talking About
Published on February 21, 2005 By new-age nomad In Dating

Trinitie as I knew her is now gone.  There’s this whole other person beneath the surface that’s even more confused than before. There’s a certain symbolism in the X’s drawn in magic marker on her hands.


She’s in college now, she’s 19, and she has absolutely no idea who she is or what she believes anymore.  She used to have the list---you know the one.  It’s that list that everyone has containing what we will or will not accept in a mate.  That list got lost somewhere a few nights ago, perhaps in a puddle she walked through on her way out of the theater after the concert.  It felt kind of nice to let it slip out of her hand and let his hand slip in.  


I take that back; it felt more than nice.  It was extraordinary, and surprising, and incredible, and all those other cliché words that the damn synonym tool can come up with to describe something that was completely indescribable.  His perfect honesty laced its way through her veins until it eventually found its way to her heart.  Suddenly all of her preconceived notions about him fell away and the only thing that mattered in that moment was how she felt when she was in his arms.


She understands why she accepted his proposal now.  She knew she needed this, she knew it would be magic.  And it was.   


Her ability to open up to someone surprised her until she realized that it obviously stemmed from his own lack of a need to impress or even judge.  He was everything she never knew she needed; he was a break in the monotony that cursed her everyday life.  He gradually became more beautiful in Trinitie’s eyes, eyes that he found rather compelling, and a familiar fear rose up.


Trinitie is afraid of people showing her their beauty.  Not many people do, but when it happens, she fears it becoming addictive and at some point a fix being improbable.  Blaine would say that she needs to get busy living or get busy dieing, and she would have no argument.  There’s still that lingering panic, though, that says there’s a possibility that she will never again feel the way she felt when he held her.


She’s not going to try to put moments in a box today.  She's going to love without hindrance and see where it takes her.  Life is exciting now, and she needs it to stay this way for at least a little while longer. 


She looks at the X’s on either hand and knows that they signify not only her inability to purchase alcohol, but change and the necessity of sometimes having to leave our old selves behind.  



on Feb 21, 2005
Eloquently written. Finding ourselves is an adventure we all must embark on.
on Feb 21, 2005

So I read your post again, and I needed to say more. I realize I run the risk of sounding like myself here, but this line causes me a tad bit of concern.

It felt kind of nice to let it slip out of her hand and let his hand slip in.

I trust your judgement Trin. Just be careful, cause love does crazy stuff to us!
on Feb 22, 2005
I agree with T, be careful. But I can't express to you the joy and excitement your post brought to me. What does it all mean? Who knows. But for a romantic like you, a single woman who actually likes Valentines, I pray blessings and continued happiness on you. And always a sense of wonder and awe. I love who you are and who you are becoming. Put off the old self and put on the new!
on Feb 22, 2005

Tenille, you're so funny.  I can just see you trying really hard not to judge.  There you are, staring at your computer screen, trying to think of something that would say what you wanted to say so badly, but that I wouldn't percieve as judgment.  It's ok Nill.  You're allowed to say your piece without me getting all insane and "I'm not gonna talk to you again for a while."  I'm over that shit, I think. It just lets me know how much you love me. I mean, how could you not?

I'm not in love, I just want to see what it feels like to let myself fall.  You know?  I knew this post would make you a bit edgy, but I can't write for other people.  I have to write what is real, what is Trinitie.

Bruce, thanks so much for commenting.  If my writing brings anyone any type of emotiong at all (besides boredom), I'm happy.  I love who you are, too.


on Feb 22, 2005
That was one of the most beautiful articles that I have ever read. Well, I trust your decision. I know that you will make the correct decision.
on Feb 22, 2005
I knew this post would make you a bit edgy, but I can't write for other people. I have to write what is real, what is Trinitie.

This is why I love you Trin. Thanks for letting me be me.
on Feb 24, 2005

Your welcome.

Kaulani-  3 hours.  You know what I'm talking about...


on Feb 25, 2005
so you fucked, right?! RIGHT?! jk jk jk
on Feb 26, 2005
good luck with that Trin
on Feb 26, 2005

Angela, nah, that's second date material.....you freak'n weirdo.


on Feb 28, 2005
Trinitie you are the freakin' wierdo! JK
on Mar 28, 2005

You are such a great person and you are going to continue to be the girl who was living with August and everybody and the girl i love to death. you are such a nice person and you have many thoughts that are awesome. you made me laugh when i was sad and you were there for me whenever someone was mad at me. we had out moments i think, lol, but we still were there for each other every weekend. I just wanted to tell you that you will always be trinitie to me and that i miss you whole bunches and i miss elaina, me, august, you, and her dad being in the apt together. well just wanted to tell you that and i love you girl.

on Mar 30, 2005
was living with August and everybody

lol... that just made me laugh... because Trin practically has lived with everybody.

I'm only here to tell you that you need to post more... or email me or something.

on Aug 26, 2005

Hey now, don't make me look like a vagabond freeloader .... 

I'm just....a floater....