After going to another AA meeting with my sister and her teacher friend tonight, we went for ice cream at the Marble Slab. Debbie had a friend who was going to be there that night and wanted to introduce me because me and this chick are around the same age. She's all like, "Oh, Trin, you'll love her, she's really spiritual." Yeah, like I'm spiritual...haha.
Anywho, what I'm saying is, in the back of mind, without even realizing it, I was praying the girl wouldn't be there. I have insecurites I wasn't even aware of. I was thinking, "Hmm, hope she's not prettier/more talented/smarter than me..." the whole time. How selfish is that? Grrr....I get on my own nerves. We are what we despise I reckon.
Thinking about it in the car, I decided I always do this. Unconciously, I'm always hoping that no one will be better than me. I'll be the one in the spotlight; I'll be the one making everyone else feel self conscious.
This definately branches from my childhood...ahhh my childhood. Do you remember that one kid that no one wanted to be around? The smelly kid? The kid with no social skills? That's me, sitting at a table by myself, crying because no one loves me. It's funny, I remember actually asking myself why? Why didn't anyone want to play with me? It was so obvious; my hygene practices were...well...I didn't practice hygene. I remember this particular pair of overalls I wore that had turned a mysterious shade of greenish brown due to repeated wearing and no washing. I knew I was dirty; I didn't care.
I don't think that it's just the self-consciousness that causes my anxiety. I think it's also that I despise the inevitable fakeness that follows meeting new people. I can't stand it; it makes my muscles tense up and I want to remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible. You'd think I'd be used to it now being a "new-age nomad", but no. It's really not that the uneasiness makes me uncomfortable, I couldn't care less. I just don't want the other person to feel like they need to impress me. I realize none of what I'm saying is aligning correctly, and I know I contradict myself. But, just know it's all true. I am a paradox.
My solution? I invent a personality. To most people, I'm this crazy, "I'll do anything!, freak people out type of person, which is fun most of time, but it gets a little exhausting when people expect you to be their entertainment. And once you develop this expectation of being that one type of person, it's hard to be anything else. You're stuck being what you invented and once you try to put a toe outside of that box people decide you're not their kind of person. Not to say I'm not this person. I like being spontaneous and fun; I really do. It's just I don't want to HAVE to be that person.
And, rest assured, my hygene has improved greatly since my elementary days.
"I act like shit don't phaze me. Inside it drives me crazy. My insecurities could eat me alive..." ---Eminem in Hailey's Song
Trinitie