I'm only passing through...
Published on March 6, 2004 By new-age nomad In Misc
After going to another AA meeting with my sister and her teacher friend tonight, we went for ice cream at the Marble Slab. Debbie had a friend who was going to be there that night and wanted to introduce me because me and this chick are around the same age. She's all like, "Oh, Trin, you'll love her, she's really spiritual." Yeah, like I'm spiritual...haha.

Anywho, what I'm saying is, in the back of mind, without even realizing it, I was praying the girl wouldn't be there. I have insecurites I wasn't even aware of. I was thinking, "Hmm, hope she's not prettier/more talented/smarter than me..." the whole time. How selfish is that? Grrr....I get on my own nerves. We are what we despise I reckon.

Thinking about it in the car, I decided I always do this. Unconciously, I'm always hoping that no one will be better than me. I'll be the one in the spotlight; I'll be the one making everyone else feel self conscious.

This definately branches from my childhood...ahhh my childhood. Do you remember that one kid that no one wanted to be around? The smelly kid? The kid with no social skills? That's me, sitting at a table by myself, crying because no one loves me. It's funny, I remember actually asking myself why? Why didn't anyone want to play with me? It was so obvious; my hygene practices were...well...I didn't practice hygene. I remember this particular pair of overalls I wore that had turned a mysterious shade of greenish brown due to repeated wearing and no washing. I knew I was dirty; I didn't care.

I don't think that it's just the self-consciousness that causes my anxiety. I think it's also that I despise the inevitable fakeness that follows meeting new people. I can't stand it; it makes my muscles tense up and I want to remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible. You'd think I'd be used to it now being a "new-age nomad", but no. It's really not that the uneasiness makes me uncomfortable, I couldn't care less. I just don't want the other person to feel like they need to impress me. I realize none of what I'm saying is aligning correctly, and I know I contradict myself. But, just know it's all true. I am a paradox.

My solution? I invent a personality. To most people, I'm this crazy, "I'll do anything!, freak people out type of person, which is fun most of time, but it gets a little exhausting when people expect you to be their entertainment. And once you develop this expectation of being that one type of person, it's hard to be anything else. You're stuck being what you invented and once you try to put a toe outside of that box people decide you're not their kind of person. Not to say I'm not this person. I like being spontaneous and fun; I really do. It's just I don't want to HAVE to be that person.

And, rest assured, my hygene has improved greatly since my elementary days.

"I act like shit don't phaze me. Inside it drives me crazy. My insecurities could eat me alive..." ---Eminem in Hailey's Song

Trinitie

Comments
on Mar 06, 2004
I love you cuz your beautiful.

I knew that before I ever saw a picture.

~Dan
on Mar 06, 2004
Please dont invent personalities Trin... thats whats wrong with the world today. Too many people are afraid to be themselves, and act conceited and fake.

From what i know of you... you already fine, and you have nothing to feel insecure about. If you aren't good enough for someone, they are not good enough for you.

BAM!!!
on Mar 07, 2004
Hey, I'm just curious why you choose the name "new-age nomad"... usually new-age, as I think of it, makes me think of like worshipping the sun, and like this weird hippie who sold his soul to the devil... okay... so I'm exaggerating a bit, but why did you choose "new-age"? Because you don't seem like a sun-worshipping druggie to me. lol... I mean, I always could be wrong
on Mar 08, 2004
i hear what you're saying Trin... this same subject has been on my mind for the last day or so... Muggaz is on the money as usual... be thyself
on Mar 27, 2004
"25% of the people that you meet, will love you no matter what. 25% will hate you, no matter what. Only worry about what the remaining 50% will think."

We all invent personalities, don't you think?
on Mar 27, 2004
What a beautiful thought, Larry. Thank you.

Trinitie