I'm only passing through...
Sometime You Don't (Dedicated to Tenille)
Published on September 20, 2005 By new-age nomad In Life

I really lived life to its fullest and that got me in trouble from time to time.”

                                                                                                      ~ Matthew Perry

 

 Evaluation of existence never gets one very far.  Evaluation, here, means to determine the significance, worth, or condition of usually by careful appraisal and study.

 

Most of the people I’ve met are discontent.  Considering I’ve probably crossed paths with more people than a typical 19 year old, I’d say it’s the majority. 

 

I have met the occasional nut who seems blind to life’s uncertainty and disorder.  Notice I say seems.  They can see it, usually better than most.  Also, note that I use the word “nut”.  People who are content are generally not considered mainstream (if they were, they would probably lose a piece of their bliss). 

 

So that’s it?  That’s what it takes to be happy?  Just be perceptive of life’s ambiguity and be a little nutty? That gets you halfway there.  Being aware of the chaos that is life creates the nuttiness.  Finding splendor in discomfort and insecurity is key.

 

The problem is simply this:  Most people avoid risk in order to accomplish the things they think will make them happy. 

 

I was accused, recently, of not being a “forward thinker”, meaning I put present pleasure before future goals.  For example, I used my very limited (and might I add, borrowed) gas money to drive to a random boy’s house across town instead of conserving fuel and bearing in mind that I would have to figure out a way to get to and from work for the next week.       

 

I would agree that my actions were irresponsible and ill-considered, but I would defend my “forward thinking” to the death.  If it’s life, actually living, we’re trying to preserve here, then what I did was constructive.  I enjoyed myself immensely and relished in the serendipity of it all.

 

Most people’s definition of “forward thinking” is skewed.  It’s the reason I see so many people in a daze, wondering what the purpose is and giving up on an answer when it’s difficult to find. 

 

You want to know the answer?  All the things that we’re programmed to believe are detrimental to our emotional health ----aren’t.  Uncertainty is a necessity and being willing to accept that ambiguity is the answer is freedom. 

 

Living life to the fullest means running into trouble from time to time, facing it, and getting through it.  And it’s usually that “trouble”, or negative happening, that leads us to superior destinations.

 

Trinitie 


Comments (Page 1)
on Sep 20, 2005
"""And it’s usually that “trouble”, or negative happening, that leads us to superior destinations""""

Superior Destinations huh? Aren't we a little full of ourselves?

I'm glad you've found your key to happiness Trin. It's an inspiration . . . and no, I'm not being sarcastic. Your lenses are refreshing. I love you girl!
on Sep 20, 2005

Why would you be sarcastic about that?  And, no, I don't reckon I've "found" my key to happiness.  I was just observing happy people.  I'd say I'm happy with who I am and what I'm doing most of the time.


Trinitie


p.s. "Superior" as in better than where you end up without it, no better than someone else. *rolls eyes*

on Sep 20, 2005
Aw, to see life through the eyes of a 19 year old. You recognize, of course, that you and Tenille (and you and me for that matter) will hardly see "living life" the same way. Just as it's hard for you to understand T's need and desire for security, stability, and acceptance, she finds it difficult to understand your need (or want) for "freedom," uncertainty and people to accept you as you are, regardless. Believe it or not, but that's why I like you both so much. As hard as it for you to believe this, I once lived life for the moment, not really caring what tomorrow would bring because I would deal with it when it came. But somewhere along the line I suppose I conformed and cut my hair, threw away the jeans when they got holes in them, made sure I had gas money BEFORE I left on a 300 mile trip, put shoes on, and realized that I didn't have all the answers, just a lot of questions (and not necessarily needing the answers). I sometimes miss those days of living life on my own terms, but don't wish to go back to them. Am I content? Nope. Am I satisfied? I hope not. Am I happy? I should say so. And I pray that you will never accept life on it's terms, but on God's terms. I'm afraid that responsibility will come soon enough. What you do with it is entirely up to you.
on Sep 20, 2005

I conformed and cut my hair, threw away the jeans when they got holes in them, made sure I had gas money BEFORE I left on a 300 mile trip, put shoes on

Who says I don't do all of this...sometimes.  I just don't believe it to be an imperative living style.  And not doing these things doesn't make one "rebellious" or "nonconformant", it simply means that they don't define themselves as others do.

I'm afraid that responsibility will come soon enough. What you do with it is entirely up to you.

That hurt my feelings a bit, and made me a little angry.  I'm not angry with you, though, just society in general.  I realize that the majority of people who will read this blog will come to the same conclusions you drew: "This girl just doesn't understand that becoming an adult requires responsibility, and she refuses to accept that a little magic is lost in growing up." 

I've encountered responsibility; I promise.  I've been responsible for myself most of my life.  I'm lazy, and apathetic, and hard to deal with at times, but I'd say that I face responsibility better than most people my age. 

The difference is that I see a plethora of responsiblity when most people are limited to the surface and let society define their responsiblities.  My priorities are simply different.

Thanks for commenting.

Trinitie 

on Sep 20, 2005
"I've been responsible for myself most of my life."


Some people get through their lives and never have to have the doubts you want to avoid. Then, there are people whose lack of forsight leads to more than just sadness.

For instance, I saw a mother in New Orleans, a baby on each hip, explaining that she didn't leave because she knew her house would be looted. That decision was made a couple of days before they were airlifted from their roof, with no water, in the hot sun. What if the children had died?

It all has to be tempered by what you are risking. It's easy for you to feel this way now because all you have to risk is yourself. For you to risk others you'd have to make REALLY stupid choices I doubt you'd make. In the future, though, you'll face times when other people are put at risk by lack of forsight. $50 eaither way determines if you have grocery money or not, or whether you have the cash on you to buy cold medicine for your kid, or whatever.

Maybe the people who say these things to you are speaking from those shoes, in preparation for the day you'll be there too.
on Sep 21, 2005

BakerStreet:

First, I wanna say that I'm thrilled you visited my blog!  Ockhams Razor wrote a article a while ago praising your ability to write so eloquently, and I (along with others) agreed whole heartedly.

Second, I wanna say that I HAVE been responsible for others lives in the past.

Thanks for commenting!

Trinitie

on Sep 21, 2005
I'm afraid that responsibility will come soon enough. What you do with it is entirely up to you.


Very insightful, and you're sooooooo on target, what one CHOOSES to do, feel and live IS entirely up to them
NO ONE else is responsible for their feelings, and what they do.


on Sep 21, 2005
Don't get me wrong Trin, I never meant to make you mad or hurt your feelings. When I was talking about cutting my hair, throwing away the jeans, etc., I was talking about what I did, not what is expected of you. And when I was talking about responsibility will come soon enough I was talking about how much more responsibility we get the older we are...whether we like it or not. We can accept the responsibilities that come with getting older, or move on to other things. The choice is always yours. You don't have to take on extra responsibilities, but sometimes you just can't avoid them (rent, gas money, insurance, car payments, clothes, etc.). Sometimes it gets to be a damn drag.

B~
on Sep 21, 2005
"Second, I wanna say that I HAVE been responsible for others lives in the past."


Then you know that your level of evaluation goes up staggeringly the more other people depend on your decision, right? Once you have a family of your own, I think you'll be amazed at how little you'll be able to do without seriously weighing the consequences.
on Sep 21, 2005

Bruce:  Please refrain from cursing on my blog.  *trying to supress laughter* 

Once you have a family of your own

I already do!    In the sense you're speaking of, though, I DON'T PLAN ON IT!  Sure, that's some people's purpose---to get married, have kids, raise them, and die (this is me not belittling this life in any way), but it's not what I'm here for.  I know it. 

As for the family that I have now, I actually do weigh consequences when I know that something I'm doing will affect them. But, I'm usually pretty good at discerning between what I know is right for me, and what I'm willing to give up (which is usually a lot).  For example, right before I moved back to Texas (recently), I took care of my two younger sisters.  I had a job.  I hated it.  I lived in Tennessee.  I hated it.  I dealt with the feeling of being a "single parent" who couldn't support her kids.  I hated it.

But I did it.  The job made me miserable, but I got up every day and went because I knew I had to figure out a way to take care of my sisters.  I remained in Tennessee because I knew they wouldn't be taken care otherwise.

I'm not bragging here; I'm just trying to establish that I KNOW WHAT RESPONSIBILITY IS, and neither marriage nor birth would make that responsiblity any stronger.

Here's what I'm not willing to give up:  Who I am.  I don't know how else to explain it.

Trinitie

*sidenote:  My sisters have since been removed from my "parents" custody, and I was no longer allowed to see them.

on Sep 22, 2005
I think I generally agree with what you're saying. It's so easy as more responsibility comes, to loose the point of living, and the joy in living. Not loosing track of why you're here (even while struggling though the quagmire of responsibility at times) but instead living it out IS the secret to happiness.

Tractorman
on Sep 22, 2005
I'm really sorry about the situation with your sisters, it sounds awful. I hope it eventually works itself out amicably.

I tend to be a Stoic in most things, so to me we are what we are. I don't think quality of life should be sacrificed to promote survival, but the opposite is just as wrong. After all, what is the main instinct of every creature on earth?

Drug use is a good example. There are about as many old heroin addicts as there are one-armed jugglers. Still people every day opt to try a drug that they know is a death sentence to many, many people. I'm not saying you would do such a thing, but I think it highlights how detached we can become once we intellectualize pleasure. Eventually the pleasure means more that "living".

Kind of like the old Existentialist "eyeball with legs". It's as if we think we are some sort of walking sensory apparatus with no other function. Again, I'm not saying you carry anything to that extreme, and part of the problem is probably people are villifying your little, normal acts as something worse than they are. Still though, as Socrates says, "An unexamined life is not worth living."

I find myself retreating into my brain pretty often, forgetting that I am a physical creature with needs and dangers. It's easy to do as a human in the kind of society we have.
on Sep 22, 2005

Thanks T-Man!

Kind of like the old Existentialist "eyeball with legs". It's as if we think we are some sort of walking sensory apparatus with no other function.

I really enjoyed that analogy thoroughly; it made me laugh.  But, you've really derived meaning from my article that doesn't exist---or maybe it's simply a turn in the conversation that I may have missed.  I know there are other functions; I just don't think they're as important!  HAHA!  J/K....For real, though, life actually is about being happy.  Everything boils down to that. Everything.

I just think it's funny that people got such different ideas from what I was trying to say; and the comments reflect a huge difference in the people who know me personally and the people who don't.  I'd say that people who don't know me seem to figure me out better. *shrugs*  Maybe I give people the wrong impression of myself in real life.

It's easy to do as a human in the kind of society we have.

I know.

Trinitie

 

on Sep 23, 2005
"It costs so much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the enlightenment or courage to pay the price.  One has to abandon altogether the search for security and reach out to the risk of living with both arms.  One has to embrace the world like a lover, yet demand no easy return of love.  One has to accept pain as a condition of existence."
 
~Morris L. West  "Lazarus"
on Sep 25, 2005
Maybe I give people the wrong impression of myself in real life.


Or maybe this is who you really are? Just a thought . . .