If I had a pen, I would write this down. If my heart was still whole the world might not seem so harsh. Maybe I wouldn't have had to become this. If I would have kept my mouth closed I might not have given evil a way in. If my soul hadn't escaped I'd probably hold my chin above my chest and look less like a marionette. If my hands would stop shaking I'd be able to put my finger on what it is I'm missing. If I had a spirit, I might be resilient in a way that would save myself...not...

I'm 19 years old now. Momentous occasions such as birthdays allow me to ignore the future for a moment, and pick through the past. They allow me to acknowlege that sometimes the turning of the page comes without us knowing it; it's only after time has changed us that we can understand how important certain things were. My 18th year brought me a lot of firsts, my first blog, for instance. This little piece of the internet has forced me to search myself in order to share who I am with othe...

It's witnessing the image of my father's fist making contact with my brother's skull. It's my mom throwing a lamp at my head after my dad leaves and I ask her if there's anything she needs. It's my big sister running away and not telling me where she's going. It's seeing her being emotionally abused and knowing there's nothing I can do to help her. It's begging my mom to buy me something for the class party in the 3rd grade, receiving generic oreos, then experiencing that common fee...

There's a game I play with myself. I try to see how long I can trick my brain into thinking I'm having fun. A little girl runs up to my line at the grocery store every time she and her mom visit. She knows me now. She knows I'll grin and tell how how beautiful she is and let her scan her own candy. There is a man who has no idea how much I envy his wife. For every trip he takes to the store, she receives flowers. He tells me how much he loves her and sends me into another of my s...

There's a bridge about a mile up the road from my house crossing a river. I walk there often and sit on the ledge to watch the water divide as the boats and jetskis pass over it. Recently, as I was sitting there, 4 tatooed teenagers (2 guys and 2 girls) walked up from the dock. I assume they felt comfortable talking to me because of my piercing and the ignorance that follows most people. One of the chicks in a bikini inquired as to whethor or not it would be safe to jump into the water fr...

I've spoken many times of my obsession with the passenger seat of vehicles. I never really wanted to learn to drive because of my intense love of that seat. It was where I slept when I lived in the car with my mom, it's where the radio controller sits, it's where you don't have to worry about staying inside the lines, you only have to look at the night sky through the windshield, which I ultimately think makes the sky more beautiful. It's like, if you wanna reach out and touch it, you can, the g...

You will ask me to dance, and I will accept, only to push you away before the song is over. I will say I love a challenge, only to run when one arises. I use my past as a defense, as if I'm the only one who had it rough, as if that will somehow justify my present. My mind says that success is measured by obstacles overcome, which may be true, but how can I be sure if it was I who crossed the broken bridges? My heart is filled with a song, a bittersweet song, one of triumph and defeat, o...

I hate the world around me. I hate the blind people. I hate that no one understands the beauty the world posesses. So, I read. I read books about people who have lived in the ghetto, in the slums. Repeated phrases include, "I need to get out of here before I get stuck like everyone else". Whoa. I highlight. I feel, that maybe, somehow, I'll leave a trace of how I feel behind so that others may see the truth. I journal. Sometimes I feel that writing is secretly a defense of my l...

When I disclose information about myself so nonchalantly to friends and even strangers, I often get confused and often ecclectic responses to my life experiences. For instance, when I tell people I lived in a vehicle for about a year and that I have, in fact, lived in a park, they look at me with not only pity, but bewilderment. Here's the deal. It's not that uncommon. So many people are sheltered from seeing that, yes, people do indeed live like that---even here in the great United S...

Do you ever just sleep when you're feeling down...just to escape the world? I slept far too long today. When I woke up, I only felt sick to my stomach. Sleeping as a remedy = not such a good idea. My problem? I can't love people. It's simply not in my power. I sat down to write a note of encouragement to my roomate, Kami, on her 24th birthday, and all that kept going through my head were all the things that aggravate me about the girl. I simply could not bring myself to write down...

Alright, I never claimed to be a poet. I was just trying to write a counter-point article on Imajinit's psychology post, and everything that came out contradicted itself. (This doesn't mean you've won Michael.) Anywho, I promise I'll never write poetry again, but I dedicate this to anyone who's ever left a comment on my blog. Please don't be harsh, this is like the 2nd (and probably the last) poem I'll ever write. Take nothing I say as absolute truth About myself or my position I'm a...

I'm terrified. I'm terrified of growing up. This baffles me because I like to think I was forced to grow up a little too fast due to my environment. Now, I'm not so sure. I wonder if anyone is as scared as I am to officially be on my own. I really won't be, I know. I have a wonderful sister who will be there along the way. But, it will soon be time for me to graduate, to find an actual job to help pay bills, to finally get a car of my own (I know, I know, I'm a loser, but hey, my f...

I like the lake by my parents trailer. I like it mostly just after winter's over, and the boats began to reappear. I like to sit on the dock and make shapes with my toes in the water. I like that I can't even feel the cold air around me because my thoughts take me away from reality. I even like it when I snap back and feel that sudden shock. I like that point when the last boat disappears around the bend in the lake and I'm alone---that means I can sing at the top of my lungs. I li...

After going to another AA meeting with my sister and her teacher friend tonight, we went for ice cream at the Marble Slab. Debbie had a friend who was going to be there that night and wanted to introduce me because me and this chick are around the same age. She's all like, "Oh, Trin, you'll love her, she's really spiritual." Yeah, like I'm spiritual...haha. Anywho, what I'm saying is, in the back of mind, without even realizing it, I was praying the girl wouldn't be there. I have in...

I came home a few hours early from school today. I threw myself on the couch and sobbed uncontrolably; there was no one left to watch---no one left to hender me from letting it go. I wished I could have fallen asleep, or at least just laid there in a daze with no thoughts to bring the facts back. But, unfortunately, those thoughts of mine never do stop. I picked myself up and slowly walked through every room in our apartment trying to decide what to do next. I'm not too good at...